@bea_ker

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

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@AmericanGent69

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

@TheOldFolksHome

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

@thepunningman

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

@EndhooS

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

@TheCatWhisprer

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?