Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.