Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
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🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.