[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice