Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced