*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
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“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower