Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system