[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
March 16
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.