[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
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who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news