[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
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Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
moms in horror movies
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”