Donkey I Shreked the Kids
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My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
twitter is a journey
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”