Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.