Donkey Kong sommelier
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All food is good if you spell it wrong
😂😂😂😂😂😂
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.