Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*