Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.