Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
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Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets