Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar