@Contwixt

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

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@alanritchson

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

@PaperWash

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

@DirtMcTurd

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

@Home_Halfway

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

@flashember

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

@AmericanGent69

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@Margoandhow

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

@iwearaonesie

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

@bazlyons

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.