don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I know karate and tons of other words.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.