don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
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Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
hmmm
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about