Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.