Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.