Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
ME: u scared?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull