Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Bro what is this
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The booster protects against what, now?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]