Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.