Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]