Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

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“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”


Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview


Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.


If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.


My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail


Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.


That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”


Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends


Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it