don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
the clam before the storm
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork