“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
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When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Why soy sad?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.