“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.