Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.