don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
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[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.