Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Fights fire with marshmallows
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’