Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
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I love it all
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
this is how life feels
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.