@benedictsred

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

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@yenniwhite

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

@WilliamRodgers

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@jimmytorosian

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

@AsgardianRose

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

@AnthonyDeVito_

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

@Book_Krazy

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

@longwall26

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

@Browtweaten

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

@AnniemuMary

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?