Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
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Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.