Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
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[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
bad news gang
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.