Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“No way.” -Jose
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
become ungovernable
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.