Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
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Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
birds and squirrels envy us
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*