Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.