@1evilidiot

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

@_Water_Baby

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

@Sanbel11

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

@JesKeepSwimming

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

@Squizbot

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

@theshantilly

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

@dafloydsta

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

@UnFitz

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

@UpsideDad

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

@OfficeofSteve

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner