Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
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Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies