Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
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To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
asking santa clause for nudes
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Facebook memories be like
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.