Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
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Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
my dog when i have a friend over
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon