Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
You Might Also Like
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
it be like that
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My neck my back my allergy attack
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”