Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*