Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
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If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.