don’t be scared
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.