Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Spring cleaning checklist…
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Boating season is upon us.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games