Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.