Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Brb my Sims are getting married
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us