” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
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[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭