Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
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One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
pep talk
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.