Don’t beat an alive horse either.
You Might Also Like
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
what’s really going on
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting