Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d