Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
You Might Also Like
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
A short story of betrayal:
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*