Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
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the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?